Anxiety, much?

This post has taken me awhile to put together.. not necessarily difficult to write, but difficult to make myself sit down to write it and put it into words.

Since having the babies in April … I’ve had an issue with feeling like I’m a ticking time bomb 😦 Some days are better/worse than others. There are some days I feel like I’m saying goodbye to my boys when I kiss them goodnight. And some days when I’m scared to fall asleep, thinking I may not wake up in the morning. Sometimes it’s especially difficult when my husband travels (and I can’t EVEN begin to express how much it means to me when my DOC pals check on me during those times he’s traveling. You guys helped ease my mind a TON during his recent international trip–you have no idea!!)

I sometimes feel like diabetes is going to creep up on me and take me away from my family. All those high blood sugars over the past 20+ years. Or those 3 stints of DKA that I went through in ’98-2000. Or the almost 20 years of being on blood pressure medication.

I saw a cardiologist when I was pregnant with my first son in ’07, because the doctors said they wanted to “make sure my heart was strong enough”. Thank God it was … and they never saw any problems whatsoever. I haven’t seen a cardiologist since then (they didn’t think it was necessary with the twins – although looking back, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have, for peace of mind of nothing else.)

I was recently watching some videos on the YouCanDoThis project website.. and that’s when I started wondering – is this what anxiety feels like? (Which, when you think about it, is counterproductive to the abovementioned heart concerns.)

I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes on October 17, 1992, approximately a month before my 18th birthday. I’ll be 39 this year. And so far so good. I’ve not had any major complications, other than the DKA episodes (which were pump related) and having to wear glasses. My kidneys always pass the orange jug test. My heart passed the cardiologists’ test. No neuropathy. My A1C is better than it’s ever been. I do have a higher-than-I’d-like cholesterol reading .. but that’s something I’m working on.

I literally every single night say this prayer: “Lord, please watch over me and keep me safe and healthy, so I can be here for my family. They need me, and I need them.”

Our pages are written long before we get here. I know that. And I accept that. But if there is anything at all I can do to give myself the peace to know that I did everything I could and not have an “I should’ve done this or that” attitude … then you can bet I’m going to do my best to do that.

I know my mom is reading this and by now probably freaking out 😉 Don’t worry, Mom. I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon. This is just something that’s been on my mind .. and I needed to get it “out” there. If nothing else, for confirmation to know that I’m not alone.

(**I actually have felt better just writing this post several days ago–less “worried” even though its always still in the back of my mind. I’d much rather have it in the back of my mind than the forefront 😉

And today is #dblogcheck day… So if you are reading my blog for the first time, or if you’re a frequent visitor, please leave a comment. Even if just to say “Check” … Or be creative and tell me your favorite type of food. To be fair, mine is TexMex 😉

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About Shannon

I am a wife, a mommy, and a Type 1 diabetic (since '92.) I have had two successful pregnancies - one of which was with twins. I wear an insulin pump- - off and on for 17 years; currently on the Medtronic pump and CGM. I am not a medical professional, nor am I giving medical advice. I am just sharing my day to day stories of someone who lives with this disease every day. My ultimate goal is to raise awareness.
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36 Responses to Anxiety, much?

  1. Karen says:

    Oooh!!! Mine’s Tex-Mex, too! I could eat a plate of rice and beans every day. Seriously, EVERY day:). Happy dblogcheck day! I confess to being one of your constant lurkers. Usually because I think my comment will sound silly compared to your post. You write beautifully. I have a sweet daughter with t1d and I feel like I gain insight into what her life as an adult will be like when I read your blog.

    • Shannon says:

      Thank you!!! I really appreciate the kind words and the encouragement! 🙂 How old is your daughter? (And btw- there’s no such things as silly comments *smile*)

  2. Kim says:

    “Check”ing in on you! I hope you are able to find ways to deal with how you’re feeling – writing it out is a good start. 🙂 I’m glad you did.

    • Shannon says:

      Thanks, Kim! It did help to write it. There have been nights it was all consuming. But it’s been better the last few days. 🙂 I’ll take what I can get! Hope YOU’RE doing well–getting close!!!! 🙂

  3. Scott E says:

    A ticking time bomb? That phrase disturbs me, I must say. But we can’t change the past, all we can do is do our best today and tomorrow. Believe me when I say that I can’t figure out how I made it to age 25 alive. But everything with my body is pretty good right now. And it is the same with yours, from what you’re saying. So I believe it’s best to just count our blessings and not make the same mistakes twice. I don’t think you’re a ticking time bomb at all.

    From what I can tell, day after day, you’re doing everything right. And having a family that loves you and relies on you is the biggest motivation a person can have.

  4. StephenS says:

    No neuropathy? Kidneys good? A1c good? Sounds like success to me!

    I know it’s not that simple though… and I hope you can find the peace of mind you seek.

  5. Laddie says:

    Virtual hugs to you as you tame those scary thoughts in your head.

    One practical idea is to consider looking at the Dexcom G4 if you are not confident with your Medtronic CGM. I used the MMT system for almost 3 years and always felt that it was shooting random darts at my BG numbers. My G4 has introduced me to a new standard of accuracy and has helped me eliminate almost all of the BG readings in the 30’s, 40’s, and low 50’s. I feel so much safer as a result.

    #dblogcheck

  6. Lara says:

    You are doing great!! I love all food but Pizza from Urban Crust in Downtown Plano is at the top right now. They make the best brick oven Pizza.

  7. Colleen says:

    Wishing you calm thoughts and lots of confidence. And sending a big hug!

  8. Carlyn says:

    ((hugs)). Totally understand feeling like this sometimes, though.

  9. Karen says:

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, but I’m glad it felt better to get it all out there in a post. Our blogs make good therapy, don’t they? And remember I’m here when ever you need me!!

    • Shannon says:

      Thanks, friend!!! 🙂 (Btw I can never reply to your posts in my phone or iPad–only on the computer?? I had written out a respond to today’s but couldn’t post it. I’ll do it again from the computer later this evening)

  10. Jess says:

    I hear you. Totally. I struggle with anxiety, and it’s hard. But having the DOC around helps me a lot too.

    I wound up seeking some help for how I was feeling. No shame in doing that if needed. But we’re here either way!

  11. Mike Hoskins says:

    Hi, Shannon – You Are Not Alone! I have these anxieties myself quite a bit, not as much now as I did a couple years ago, but there are times when I find myself overwhelmed. And it’s those great D-peeps who often bring me back from the brink of feeling miserable. I think you’re right, that our pages are long written. But at the same time, I tend to think that there’s more than one version of the book. And it’s kind of like “Choose Your Own Adventure” – we get to dictate what our story is and how it unfolds, and that’s the power we have in being put here to make these choices. So that helps me realize how important my own mindset and perspective is, in doing everything I can to make that story turn out the way I want it to. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t – at least I tried. Thanks for writing this and sharing, and for reminding me that I am not alone.

  12. Cassie says:

    I have those same anxious thoughts as the wife and mom of t1s. Lots of prayers every day.

  13. I have to squash down a lot of panic almost on a daily basis. Shockingly, I don’t have true panic attacks or anything serious, but my brain can go into some crazy places thinking about my own mortality, as well as those I love. It’s tough, but we make it through somehow!! Big HUGS to you and those wonderful babies!!

    • Shannon says:

      Thank you! I’m sorry you know what I’m talking about….but in an ironic way, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in having these feelings.

  14. Sara says:

    You know I ALWAYS read your blog!!

    And now I sound like the Dr. Google I laughed at earlier BUT… have you had your thyroid checked since having the boys? A messed up thyroid will mimic the feelings of anxiety…

    • Shannon says:

      I’m on thyroid meds… But don’t take it as regularly as I should :/ Didn’t know there was a connection..? Good to know, Doc! (Get it…. Play on words. Or acronyms.) 😉

  15. I’m glad you wrote about this, Shannon. I think it’s good to get this stuff out there and be bombarded by all sorts of love and comment-hugs.

  16. Checkity check. And I know the feelings you’re talking about, so I’m right there with you. You feel the fear and panic, even when you know it’s unlikely that whatever bad thing your mind has conjured will happen. So hugs for you, even though this is the first time I’ve read your blog, as far as I know. (Though I might follow you on Twitter?)

    Oh, and my favorite food? I swear it changes all the time, but I will always return to my family’s homemade ravioli at Easter.

  17. Kelley says:

    Hugs heading your way! I hope it helped to let it all out and hopefully things are easing up a little bit more now 🙂 My fav food?! It changes all the time haha-most recently it was anything jalapeno related or the spicy mustard you get in France that I can’t find anywhere in the States grr

  18. newbie says:

    hi – i was diagnosed just this june with Type 1 at 42 years old! i’ve been reading as many blogs as i can find since a pump is in my very near future. keep writing, it’s helping us out here! i’m scared & i’m angry, so reading about “old pros” who are handling things really helps. reading about these bloggers’ frustrations & fears helps too – thank you.
    i just wanted to CHECK IN & let you know that your blog is reaching people. also, your diaversary is my birthday – sorry. (although not 1989!)
    thanks for sharing.

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