This post has taken me awhile to put together.. not necessarily difficult to write, but difficult to make myself sit down to write it and put it into words.
Since having the babies in April … I’ve had an issue with feeling like I’m a ticking time bomb 😦 Some days are better/worse than others. There are some days I feel like I’m saying goodbye to my boys when I kiss them goodnight. And some days when I’m scared to fall asleep, thinking I may not wake up in the morning. Sometimes it’s especially difficult when my husband travels (and I can’t EVEN begin to express how much it means to me when my DOC pals check on me during those times he’s traveling. You guys helped ease my mind a TON during his recent international trip–you have no idea!!)
I sometimes feel like diabetes is going to creep up on me and take me away from my family. All those high blood sugars over the past 20+ years. Or those 3 stints of DKA that I went through in ’98-2000. Or the almost 20 years of being on blood pressure medication.
I saw a cardiologist when I was pregnant with my first son in ’07, because the doctors said they wanted to “make sure my heart was strong enough”. Thank God it was … and they never saw any problems whatsoever. I haven’t seen a cardiologist since then (they didn’t think it was necessary with the twins – although looking back, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have, for peace of mind of nothing else.)
I was recently watching some videos on the YouCanDoThis project website.. and that’s when I started wondering – is this what anxiety feels like? (Which, when you think about it, is counterproductive to the abovementioned heart concerns.)
I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes on October 17, 1992, approximately a month before my 18th birthday. I’ll be 39 this year. And so far so good. I’ve not had any major complications, other than the DKA episodes (which were pump related) and having to wear glasses. My kidneys always pass the orange jug test. My heart passed the cardiologists’ test. No neuropathy. My A1C is better than it’s ever been. I do have a higher-than-I’d-like cholesterol reading .. but that’s something I’m working on.
I literally every single night say this prayer: “Lord, please watch over me and keep me safe and healthy, so I can be here for my family. They need me, and I need them.”
Our pages are written long before we get here. I know that. And I accept that. But if there is anything at all I can do to give myself the peace to know that I did everything I could and not have an “I should’ve done this or that” attitude … then you can bet I’m going to do my best to do that.
I know my mom is reading this and by now probably freaking out 😉 Don’t worry, Mom. I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon. This is just something that’s been on my mind .. and I needed to get it “out” there. If nothing else, for confirmation to know that I’m not alone.
(**I actually have felt better just writing this post several days ago–less “worried” even though its always still in the back of my mind. I’d much rather have it in the back of my mind than the forefront 😉
And today is #dblogcheck day… So if you are reading my blog for the first time, or if you’re a frequent visitor, please leave a comment. Even if just to say “Check” … Or be creative and tell me your favorite type of food. To be fair, mine is TexMex 😉